James Dudley Potter's Journal

Subject:	20
Time:	9:38 pm.

I'm so tired lately. I nearly fell off my broom during practice the other day. I don't know why. I have to drink upwards of five cups of coffee during the day just to stay awake. It's crazy. ~~I'm constantly having to piss.~~

I know why. Because I can't stop dreaming about mum. I see her every where. And I feel badly because people seem like they're moving on but I'm not. I can't. And I don't know why. How is everybody else doing it? Maddie? Albus? Patricia even seems like she's okay. I don't know about Lily. I can't look at her for very long without tearing up. She looks like mum. I wonder how Barty's doing...It's not like he or I were ever close as cousins but maybe he's not feeling so right about moving on so fast...I don't know.

I'm happy for Victoire and Teddy. I am. I just...I can't really be happy. I don't know how. Lien's doing a bang up job of keeping me distracted, even when she's slipping an extra piece of toast on my plate, when she thinks I'm not looking because she keeps on about me not eating enough. I'm just not hungry. My stomach hurts a lot.

I'm just so bloody tired.

Congrats, Victoire and Teddy again.

Comments: Read 34 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	19
Time:	7:34 pm.

Being back at school is odd. I don’t like the looks of pity I’m getting. The guys in the dorm are all just…looking at me like they’re waiting for something to happen. For me to explode or something. I’m going to explode if they keep looking at me like that. Even Finnigan was nice to me. She told me she’d help me catch up if I needed it in Charms. Bloody fucking hell.

Getting back in to the swing of things. I think I’m almost caught up on school work. It makes me glad I’m not talking a million courses like some of my cousins are. Makes for a lot easier to not fall too far behind. ~~Except for Charms, bloody Finnigan.~~ Charms club is this weekend so I’ll probably be off at that. Practice before that though I think, to get back in to it. It’s a voluntary practice though, as it’s not one that I’ve scheduled. Hopefully Professor Wood won’t mind.

I miss her. So much. Mum…I’m sorry. I love you. Wherever you are I’m so, so sorry. I can't stop thinking about you. I keep feeling guilty for forgetting about what happened for even the smallest of minutes. I hope you forgive me, but I understand if you don't. I hate that I was such a bad son.

[Wet splotches]

I love my girlfriend, I really, really do.

Comments: Read 108 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	18
Time:	12:08 am.

I'm so proud of you Lien. Congrats Gryffindor.

I'm going through boughts of being okay and not being okay. I'm worried about Dad and I'm worried about Lily and Al. I don't know. I don't think I'm actually okay...I think for a moment I forget, and then I feel terrible all over and twice as much for forgetting. She's gone...and I forgot? That's horrid. I should be mourning her and here I am thinking about how much I miss Lien. That's just unacceptable...

I told Lien I'd be back this coming week...and I want to make good on that promise, but Lily is right, I should go back when I'm ready. I just don't know if I'll ever be ready.

Comments: Read 15 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	17
Time:	9:35 pm.

Being home when you're not supposed to be home is strange. I don't know if I like it. Lily and Albus are both home with me, and Teddy's here too, which is awkward. He keeps giving me these looks. Or at least it feels like he is. Like he really wants to say something but is holding back. I hope he does. I'm supposed to be taking care of this family.

As I'm sure you all know, Lien is stepping in for me as Captian of the quidditch team until I return. ~~If I return.~~ I'm sure you'll do well Gryffindor, on Saturday. Good luck.

~~I'm...okay.~~

Comments: Read 37 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	15
Time:	10:39 am.

Oiy then, I’m all loved and such.

I got lots of those gramsy things and I’m quite thankful.

Thanks Rose for the Chocolate. ~~I’m going to share it with Lien later.~~
Thanks Maddie for the singing telegram. Though I have to say I like your singing much better love.
To Fatima, yours was one of my favorites. It had me laughing all through class this morning.
To er…the boy that sent me a gram…thanks?

And to my lovely Lien, thank you for the adorable stuffy and chocolate. It’ll sit on my bed proudly. ~~Until it gets kicked off for me to go to sleep.~~

Comments: Read 14 or Add Your Own.

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